Happy yet?  OK, try Sharapova, if you must.

ESPN’s making your dream a reality, with a 3D TV network–the first of it’s kind–which will debut sometime this year. It will broadcast a minimum of 85 live sporting events, including the 2011 BCS championship game, the X games, and a bunch of World Cup matches.

No word on whether or not these games will continue to be broadcast the normal way as well, though we imagine that they will appear on regular ESPN as usual.

This technology has been in the works for a couple of years–lucky fans in a few movie theaters have seen 3D football, and if you go to USC, you may have watched a 3D presentation on your campus.

But this doesn’t work for everyone.  And when it doesn’t, it tends to not work sort of…epically.

This week, it’s Brad Penny–whose first start after being released by the Sox (for whom he was serviceable, but only because he got ridiculous run support) was for the Giants…and involved eight spotless shutout innings.  Last week, it was John Smoltz, for whom Boston clearly didn’t work out.  Since he joined the Cardinals, he’s been stellar.  Smoltz and Boston both wanted the pairing to work, though Smoltz expressed some frustration with the pitching coaches.  Penny spoke highly of the organization as a whole and thanked them for giving him a chance.

So, why are these pitchers so good outside Boston? Not to mention players like Julio Lugo and, even more so, Edgar Renteria, who just don’t reach the same heights they have with other teams or, maybe worse, don’t fulfill what looks like their potential.

A lot of people might pass this off on the media, but we don’t think that’s it.  Certainly, there’s a lot of media pressure in Boston: maybe more than anyplace else, especially since 2004 and even more since ‘07.  The downside of a citywide culture of sports excellence?  Fans and media who expect more of the same.

But we’re also seeing something else here: maybe a downside to the clubhouse culture that’s been so vaunted.  Hell, we’ve vaunted it ourselves.  If that’s a verb.  (Even if it isn’t!)

We know the clubhouse is supportive of slumps, of injuries, of its players.  David Ortiz shows us that.  But this is a clubhouse that’s vulnerable to non-clubhouse guys.  Nomar caused problems, Manny caused even bigger ones. A truly strong culture wouldn’t be affected so strongly, but this one was.

Not that any of the guys I’m talking about–Penny, Smoltz, et al–are clubhouse cancers: far from it.  But we remember Doug Mientkiewicz* talking about how on the planes, he would try to read, which nobody else did, and he’d get mocked–goodnaturedly of course–to the point that he couldn’t read.

Our theory’s simple: if you don’t fit the mold, the rest of the pressure gets to be too much, especially if you’ve come from a place like Atlanta (considered a good team because of a tradition of what we’ll call low-key excellence, and with a respectful media presence and fanbase).  If you don’t make friends right away, if you don’t connect, even though everyone in the clubhouse may want to adopt you right into the fold–if that doesn’t work for you, Boston’s too much.

The upside? Players like Alex Gonzalez, who hit two homeruns all season…until August 15th when, once acquired by the Red Sox, he went on a tear. He’s hit four more since.

So maybe it isn’t a curse, but it’s happened too often for Theo Epstein and his hot-shit Moneyball guys to ignore.  There’s no stats in this post for a reason. Some things (just ask Jeter!) are intangible.

*You probably won’t believe us, but we spelled it right on the first try! That’s the ONLY time this has ever happened.

The New York Post reports that Derek Jeter’s getting married.  Jeter, for those who don’t breathlessly follow his exploits (or just follow him for the view from behind), is the George Clooney of baseball: gorgeous, charming, perennially dating someone really freakin’ hot…and never tied down.  No, not even to Scarlett Johansson.  (with whom both guys, incidentally, have been spotted at various points.)

Jeter’s girlfriend/fiancee is actress Minka Kelly of Friday Night Lights, and despite the rumors of autumn nuptials, she’s issued a statement saying that “no fall wedding is planned.”

We don’t know how you read that, but to us, that sounds like a WINTER wedding.

Sigh. Another one bites the dust….

And then he named names.

He talked about dreadlocks, and clearly that’s Manny Ramirez.  He talked about showing up and mailing it in or deciding not to play at all.  That’s…well, actually that could also be Manny Ramirez.  He said today’s players didn’t compare to some of the guys he played with and against.  And then somehow Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez came up.

Now, love or hate the Yankees, and specifically A-Rod, but they play hard.  The clubhouse culture of the Yankees might be dry, it might not have a lot of soul, but it’s definitely a place where serious players come and take care of their business: day games, night games, every day, week, and month.  Arguing against that’s probably all but impossible, assuming you’re making any sense.  Derek Jeter, meanwhile, has to be the class act of baseball.  He came up with a bunch of players that flamed out (calling Daryll Strawberry!) from partying and drugs.  Sure, he’s been in the tabloids some, but not in recent years.  The man dated Mariah Carey and Scarlett Johanson, and we STILL don’t have any dirt on him.  He calls Joe “Mr. Torre.”

You just don’t say those things about Derek Jeter.  And you sure as heck don’t say such things to a bunch of kids, about anyone.  The only explanation we can come up with is that Rice let the whole Sox-Yanks thing eat his brain entirely.  Most baseball fans are pretty good about this–good enough baseball fans that they recognize good baseball everywhere, even on the opposing team.

He claims he was misquoted, but we’re not really sure how that could happen.  Jeter isn’t sure either, as the end of this article points out.  He said that Jeter and A-Rod–by name, mind you–couldn’t compare to the guys he played with.  He said it, and now he’s backtracking.

The rivalry does a lot of things, and some of them suck–this is one. Just because you’re a Hall of Famer–finally–doesn’t mean you get to say whatever you want, Jim Rice.  Got it?

AL East

It’s hard to believe that the Yankees’ 6.5 game lead isn’t a commanding one at this point, especially given the Sox still-slumping bats (here’s looking at you, Jason Bay), and exhausted bullpen.  The Sox schedule is tough from here on out, too, with lots of games against contenders and plenty of time to face Tampa Bay, seemingly everyone’s nemesis.  (A few years ago, Derek Jeter was quoted as saying that the Devil Rays really had the Yankees’ number that year, and everyone laughed.  Now, nobody in Red Sox Nation’s laughing.)  Meanwhile, the Yankees get to play Oakland and Kansas City. Case closed.

AL Central

This is the AL race that could really surprise us.  Detroit’s in the lead right now, but we think that the White Sox, especially with the addition of Alex Rios, are going to end up taking it: Detroit’s been too spotty in recent years, and while the White Sox have a slightly tougher schedule, they also have a more reliable bullpen, Mark Buehrle, and now, a bat they needed.  Rios has been with the Blue Jays a long time before this, and he might well be one of those players who does phenomenal things when suddenly playing for a contender.  We think the White Sox are a force to be reckoned with, and it’ll be the Tigers doing the reckoning from their couches, come October.

AL West

This one is also close, but the Angels have Guerrero back, are coming off a sweep of the Giants, are used to making the playoffs, and have an easier month of August.  September’s another story for all these teams, when they all play each other like crazy, but we think the Angels are going to slowly pull away from Texas, who are currently hanging just 3.5 games back.  Whether they make it out of the first round of the playoffs, well, that’s been a historical problem for them.  But that’s another column.  (One that’ll piss off one of UPH’s best friends, so we’ll hold off.)  The truth here is that the Angels don’t need rally monkeys–they just need to keep doing what they’re doing and ride the wave.  As for Texas?  See below.

AL Wild Card

Boston, Texas, Detroit, and Tampa Bay are the real contenders here: the White Sox are going to play spoiler, even if they make the playoffs.  They’re 7 games back in the Wild Card race, but we think they’ll end up taking their division, and playing havoc with the rest of the standings in September.  In one crazy period of a bit more than a week, they play Boston, the Angels, and Seattle. and then at the end of the month three versus Detroit.  Meanwhile, the rest of these teams are all playing either each other or other contenders as well.  We’re not really seeing a late surge from Tampa Bay–they don’t seem to have the chemistry they did last year–but we think Texas is hungry, and might finally end up in the playoffs again. We’re looking forward to revisiting this during the craziness of the September schedules, but for now, that’s our pick.

Back in the Day....

A sharp-eyed friend found something pretty fabulous for us on Overheard in New York, which relates to what UPH is pretty sure has to be the only up side of last night’s game.

Guy: No homo, but Derek Jeter has a pretty amazing ass. Probably the best ass in baseball.
Girl in front of him: Oh, it is not at all gay to appreciate Derek Jeter’s ass. The New York Post once said it could stop traffic.

We’re actually, while we’re at it, interested in this whole “No homo” thing:  click the link for an interesting article on this little sociological phenomenon in hip-hop/rap culture.  Basically, if you don’t want to take the time, the idea here is that the culture has some serious homosexual sub (and sometimes not-so-sub)text that the guy’s engaging in can make OK in the prevailingly homophobic culture of hip hop music by saying “no homo”.

Statistically, about two to four percent of the population is gay: that ten percent number Kinsey came up with has been pretty much debunked.

That means that, statistically, somewhere close to two to four percent of athletes are homosexual too.  A few have come out post-career, and it makes perfect sense to UPH that nobody wants to be the trailblazer…locker-room awkwardness would probably be pretty serious.  A lot of athletes are also pretty religious and might have moral objections to a homosexual teammates “choices.”

Now, whatever you may think, it’s scientifically the case that there are gay athletes hiding in plain sight.

We’re not sure what it’ll take: someone a hell of a lot braver than we are will have to step up.  But not so long ago, there weren’t many openly gay actors or pop stars either, so maybe….just maybe…there’s some hope.

As for Jeter’s ass? We don’t care which way you swing, there’s really only one verdict there.

Our first thought?

Damon wants in.

Consider: his contract expires in 2010, and he’s having a heck of a year.  Even before he hit his 20th dinger last night, Damon had surpassed his home run total from all of last season.  (Yes, Yankee Stadium as it now stands is kind of a bandbox, but his OBP–one of Damon’s historical strengths–is comparable to last year.)  The Yankees are unlikely to have a spot for Damon, especially given that at some point, Derek Jeter is going to need to move to the outfield.  He would make a lot of sense for the Sox, especially if he were willing to take a bit of a discount, and especially depending what happens to Jason Bay.

Johnny could have retired as a Red Sox (what’s the singular? We have no idea. Never have. Long argument.), and spent the rest of his life dining out on his Game 7 grand slam and his amazing hair.  He picked a little more money and a few more years over loyalty to the rivalry, and to New York he went.

Please don’t misunderstand: UPH is incredibly impressed with Damon’s forthrightness and loyalty here, and he’s going to hear it from the fans in New York even more than he already has, and as we recall it wasn’t the easiest transition.  We’re not discounting that.  But we also think that maybe, just maybe, he might have been regretting his pecuniary decision.

Especially since he had to change his hair.