Yesterday, we were depressed to see that Fox, in its infinite wisdom, would be showing us Shaka Zulu instead of the unbeaten Giants playing the unbeaten Saints, which we figured was because they wanted us to watch our hometown Texans take on these bizarro-world really good Bengals.  And by take on, we mean “get kicked by.” Repeatedly.

So, we threw up our collective hands, gave in to the fact that really, we’re pretty girly, and decided we’d watch the Grad Prix and rock out some figureskating instead.

Except, then someone told Fox that nobody was going to watch their late game (Eagles. Versus. Raiders. EXTREME EXCITEMENT!), so they switched the coverage, and now we’re facing a serious dilemma.  Best game of week? Or frilly outfits and lite-classical music?  I mean, any sport with something actually officially called a “Kiss and Cry” is clearly the girliest thing EVER.

We’re not gonna lie. We’re picking figureskating. We’ll let you know if there are pink hats.

(Update: just clicked over to the figureskating.  So far, it’s an infomercial.  Could we have our cake and eat it too, aided by the Fabulous G2 Swivel Sweeper?  Stay tuned….

And, possibly, he beats up his girlfriend? The girlfriend, by the way is Tila Tequila.  We have no evidence that she’s a pink hat, because we’ve never seen her at a sporting event, but let us explain that we hate her anyway.  Her MTV reality show? Ridiculous, and predicated on the idea that anyone’ll watch hot chicks making out with each other.  (Which, ok, usually true, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t annoy us.  Making out with another chick for attention is DEFINITELY a pink hat type move.  Like, the pink hat of partygoing.)

Ahem. We digress.

Merriman was arrested by the San Diego Sheriff’s Department on suspicion of assault.  Tequila (not her real name, but to each her own…) called and claimed he was trying to choke and restrain her.

So, another athlete/famous guy hurts his date?

Not so fast.

Merriman claims he was trying to stop her from driving, because she was drunk, and witnesses saw her drinking at a club that night and giving Merriman lapdances.  TMZ’s pictures seem like Merriman, on the other hand, is drinking good ol’ H2O.

Tequila, meanwhile, claims she doesn’t drink: her nickname’s ironic!  She tweeted that explanation yesterday….and now it’s gone.  In fact, all her tweets are now protected…and her website, while we’re at it, has her blogging about her multiple personalities.  A sample:

I am very high strung and suffer from multiple personalities. Jane. She’s crazy and she always wants to kill me. Tila…poor girl..she works so hard and always wants to make others happy…she deserves a break. I haven’t had boyfriend for so long. I always want one, but when there is one around i run. I’m too busy.

As far as we’re concerned, we don’t like to point fingers at reporters of domestic violence…it sets a terrible precedent, and whether or not Tila, Jane or whomever else showed up that day was drunk, Merriman’s a big strong guy who perhaps should have been more careful.  But this story’s weird to us, from the coaches and teammates who say Merriman would never do anything like this to Tila’s sudden social media absence (especially since the woman is a PRODUCT of social media: she was discovered on MySpace before she had her MTV show.)  To us, that’s the weirdest part.

We’re fascinated by the immediacy that the 24 hour news cycle and the advent of the internet have brought to the world of sports reporting.   (Except when our twitter feed refreshes faster than our MLB GameDay and we find out that in fact someone just grounded out with the bases loaded on the second damn pitch they saw, oh my God, Lance Berkman, how the hell are we supposed t–)

Ahem. Sorry. That’s a different rant.

Today, however, is the beginning of a new era–an era of repression! Of tyrrany!  Of…The New York Times pointing out that some leagues don’t like bloggers much, with our opinions, and our darn free speech.

Actually, while the article’s lede is about bloggers of a more traditional nature, the more important parts are about video rights: gone are the two minute highlight packages you’d see on local news after the game, thanks in huge part to ESPN, the behemoth that will likely change the face of broadcast sports soon even more than it already has.  (Think about it….remember when the MLB playoffs were on an actual channel anyone could watch?  Now there’s only one October…and it’s on TBS, which isn’t even in DirectTV’s basic cable package, by the way.)

ESPN can afford to pay to broadcast sports.  We can–and do–pay to watch them, more than ever before.  Bloggers who shoot video or, as technology increases, stream games, are infringing on these rights, say the conferences, leagues,  and TV execs.  But movie pirating’s a big business–how much more of a big business could livefeeding a sporting event become?

And if enough of that begins to happen, the model will be forced to change.  Even just one good site streaming live video could do it, if they could make a good argument for being allowed to broadcast their own video and commentary  (the commentary might make it a first ammendment issue, we think, though we didn’t go to law school.)

Well, we’ll see.

Burress will serve two years in prison and have two years of supervised release.  Nobody else, including Antonio Pierce, who was there and drove Burress to the hospital along with delivering the gun to him, the hospital staff who didn’t inform the authorities Burress had been shot, etc., was indicted.

Burress is talented and will likely live to play again–another disciplinary action for Roger Goodell!  As far as we’re concerned, shooting himself in the thigh is probably pretty painful…and clearly accidental.  Dangerous to have a loaded gun in a nightclub? Yes. Silly not to reregister the gun when Burress moved and his permit expired? Clearly.  But in our mind, community service irresponsible, not serious jailtime irresponsible.  This is entirely ridiculous.

That bed Burress is taking up–not to mention the taxpayer dollars–could go toward punitive housing for someone who actually hurt or negatively affected the life of someone other than himself.  Stallworth (whose done a good job of owning up to his crime, don’t get us wrong) got 26 DAYS for a drunk driving incident that KILLED SOMEONE.  A little consistentcy, please!

That’s our take, and we’re sticking to it.

(Actually, we just agree with this nugget o’ wisdom…)

shawnemerriman:  Forget the gun…forget shooting yourself…you had on sweat pants in the CLUB man thats tough

We know this because we follow him on Twitter.  Twitter’s great for us, and for funny people like Simmons, because it helps us pick up post ideas and follow breaking news–which today has clearly been key–and sound off accordingly.

But we’re still not sure it’s so good for athletes.  First off, some athlete twitters are fake: Kevin Youkilis recently pointed out that no social media that says its him actually is, and the account we all thought was his is now suspended.  Big Baby Davis’ account seemed to admit to being a fake and go dark that day we wrote that post about him…

…but some accounts are verified: that is, they definitely belong the athletes they claim to belong to.  And some of those are revealing some interesting perspectives on this whole Favre thing.  Everything here is directly quoted from UPH’s twitter feed:

Shawn Merriman: i think by him coming back this late puts pressure on the team. No i mean seriously if U were the starting QB & ur 3 weeks away from the start of  the season & “BRETT FARVE”say im coming back wut wud U do.

We see his point–team chemistry is really important, especially for a team that often sort of hovers on being good year after year like the Vikings.

Chad OchoCinco: Why don’t they fine Brett for retiring and coming back and stop worrying about me having fun on Sundays

Wow, bitter much?  Even if he’s joking, this kind of immediate reaction is pretty interesting.  Chad got fined for wearing an OchoCinco nameplate on his jersey to the tune of 5k.  He hasn’t always had a great relationship with the NFL powers that be, but it seems like he’s making the same point as Merriman is, here: Favre’s indecisiveness costs the the teams and the sport.

That he’s saying that to the world may not be the best choice….but it sure makes our job easier.

Attendance issues are all over the place in professional sports right now.  With the economy in the tank, football playoffs, which–unlike baseball playoffs–all but automatically sell out, had trouble last year.  Nothing’s gotten any better, even though the economy shows signs of slight recovery.

In baseball, the Houston Astros have stopped playing “guess the attendence figure” because the stadiums are so empty.  (They’ve also stopped having the racing Hummer H2 videos on the screen inbetween innings, but separate story, that.)  They’re offering promotions out the wazoo and still can’t put anyone in the seats.  That’s despite the fact that, even with a terrible run of bad injuries, the Astros are sorta-kinda in contention.  (As we mentioned yesterday, we wouldn’t call it that if they didn’t manage to hoist themselves into the race every. single. year.)

Meanwhile, though, it isn’t just teams with little shot to be important.  The San Diego Chargers–yes, the ones who made a serious playoff run last year–can’t sell their tickets, even though they sold out all their games last year.  They can’t sell their luxury boxes either.

Now, the economy is most of the problem here, but that raises a point: are leagues perhaps going to get smaller? Might league ownership, a la the Milwaukee Brewers, be the only answer for some teams?  The most interesting one, to UPH, is whether or not this puts enough added pressure on teams to perform that it begins to play into the other issues facing sports right now.

For example, if a team might leave a city…the mayor will care, right? All that lost revenue.  How much would he care? Enough to subsidize a team personally, or with city money? Enough to overlook problems, such as gambling or athlete bad behavior in town?  These questions are the ones looming.  What, exactly, happens now?

We’ll take it.

This year, we’ll also take the Titans, who, confusingly for football rookies, showed up today in Oilers uniforms.  The Oilers, of course, were one of the founding teams of the AFL, and remained in Houston as part of the NFL when the two leagues merged, until they left at the end of the 1996 season to become the Tennessee Titans.  The Bills were also in throwback uniforms.  Hey, even the refs were kicking it oldschool.

A few game notes, to get UPH back into the NFL swing of things.

The Bills defense has historically been a strength, but they look…well…old.  They still tackle as cleanly and as hard as any team in the NFL, but their starting defensive setup averages almost five seasons of NFL time, and two of their starters have eight seasons under their belts.  Sure, some guys play forever, and that kind of time could just turn them into seasoned veterans, but tonight they just didn’t look fast enough to catch up to the Titans’ running game.

Meanwhile, the Titans have stepped up that running game.  ECU product Chris Johnson, in his second season, looks poised to be a huge factor, and even backup LenDale White looks…well, we won’t say fast. Heck of a lot faster than before he cut out the Patron, however.  He’s almost forty pounds lighter, and it shows not just in his speed and agility but seemingly in his swagger. They’re coming to play, and while we’re not yet sold on Vince Young, who had only 39 yards and boasted (if that’s what we call it) a 50% completion rate, some of his throws looked great.  He has some issues to work out, and needs some more refinement in his decision making in the pocket, but we think the possibility of  a trade to a place where he could start will be a motivating factor.

The Titans’ Special Teams contingent (or as UPH occasionally like to refer to them, the Special Forces), look good too: polished for this early, and in good shape.  They’re quick.  Quick is good. (and incidentally, third string wide receiver Paul Williams, in his third season? Well, his quick and his quicker had a baby named speedy, as they say.)

Are there questions?  Gaping holes? Wouldn’t be the pre-season if there weren’t.  But we’re excited about the Titans this year.

Love Ya, Blue. No, wait….

It might make a big difference, and the difference it makes might be to the players.

We first noticed it while watching the Hall of Fame game–and boy, did we miss football–when the kicker for the Buffalo Bills, Rian Lindell, tried a fieldgoal…relatively routine anyplace but Buffalo, where it is always windy as hell no matter what, that is.  And the TV told me that, in fact, he had a 98% fieldgoal percentage from 40 yards or less.  So for Lindell, that’s less than nothing to hit–even in Buffalo, because he knows he can do it.  The man has the second-highest fieldgoal completion percentage in the NFL.  That makes any kick easier.

Simultaneously, we were watching the Sox and the Yankees on ESPN Sunday night baseball, and thinking about baseball stats.  A lot of the time, pitcher-hitter splits don’t really matter, but when they get to more than ten at-bats between a duo, they begin to do so in two cases.  One is when the batter’s average is over .325 or so versus a pitcher in that many at bats.  The batter starts thinking he has the guy figured out.  For example, Trot Nixon used to have  Roger Clemens figured out.  The solid but non-HOF left fielder for the Sox had a .371 average versus Clemens in THIRTY FIVE at bats.

Another instance is when a pitcher has a batter figured out: when A-Rod walked into Yankee stadium this evening, he was 1-12 in his career versus Jon Lester.  For a sensitive soul like A-Rod–and we say that without irony, because whatever else the man is, he’s clearly pretty worried about expectations, etc. More on this sometime.–that’s a big deal, and you could see it in his first two at-bats: he walked into the box like someone who was already walking out.

A third and final (since we don’t want to talk your ear off) time split-stats matter?  When a pitcher and catcher–like Posada and Pettite–have worked together so often, it’s like they have a mind-meld.   Pettite and Posada have been battery-mates 173 times, counting tonight.   That’s the most of any pitcher and catcher all-time.  At that point, you’ve got a big advantage.

So don’t mock the statheads, OK? Players don’t, and we see a reason.

Jessica Simpson

They broke up, it’s true.  But Jessica Simpson’s romance with Tony Romo has led to some serious pink hat action. Now, Jessica’s a good Texas girl.  She probably loves football entirely legitimately.  But now? Well, now, you too, as it happens, can own a pink Tony Romo jersey.

Get excited.

We love Jessica Simpson. We stuck with her in the Newlyweds phase.  The Daisy Duke phase. The ill-advised leopard print phase.  We even kind of like her country radio single from last year.  (OK, kind of a lot, actually.)  And we appreciate that this jersey represents how she was–in classic country music tradition–standing by her man.

But now that they’ve broken up, we’re left with a ton of pink NFL  jerseys. It leads to guys like the total keeper who runs dallascowboysjersey.org (why the non-profit doman address, we dunno), who exhorts his bros to buy their girls such an item.   Apparently, “it has a much more attractive and tighter fit than her wearing a men’s one.”

Because clearly, that’s what matters when a girl goes to a football game.